This is the saddest photo of me that I could find. This was part of my 365 project in 2008, after all my friends (one of them being Jess!) left Kona.
Since I've been posting about others being vulnerable, I guess I'll be vulnerable. I struggle with depression.
This past week depression has manifested itself like this. I'm not excited about anything, I don't look forward to anything. My alarm goes off in the morning, and instead of doing my normal routine, I turn my alarm off and don't care if I do any of those things or not, I don't see the point, I'd rather go back to sleep. I wait until the last minute to wake up. I can't focus in class in the morning, because I'm struggling to care. In the afternoon, I feel like the best use of my time is taking a nap, because what other important thing do I have to do? Then I force myself to do whatever I have to do in the evening all the while I can't wait to go to sleep for night. And I don't have an appetite. (I realize that there are many important things I could be doing, but when I'm depressed I don't feel like doing any of them because I don't feel at the time it's important)
My back is feeling better than it was. The pain flared up a few weeks ago but it's getting better. The muscles are still tight and its stiff when I go from sitting to standing. I've had mouth sores for a week now, the ones on my tongue are gone but the one on my lower lip is still hanging around, making talking painful and eating a nightmare. My vision feels dull, tunnel vision, like colors and life aren't vibrant. I'm an introvert naturally, but depression pulls me even further inside of my shell. And I'm grumpy.
I've never been "clinically diagnosed" I don't think I need a professional to tell me that I'm depressed, and I really don't care to go on some prescription drug for the rest of my life. I do understand there are chemical imbalances, but I think proper nutrition has a lot to do with that chemical imbalance.
The past two weeks I've been intentional about trying to eat a lot more nutrients. Eating clean; fruits and vegetables, not eating processed foods. I'm still taking my fish oil and my multi vitamin. I'm realizing more and more how I need to get control of my health. I'm conscious of my own health as we've been praying for people with cancer, and I see older people walking around with ailments, I want to get do everything I can do on my part to make sure I'm healthy. It's certainly not easy though.
I drank coffee this morning, hoping that it would help me push through the day, all it did was make me even more on edge and grumpy. Caffeine is a drug, I should quit.
This has been the most tragic season of my life. More bad things have happened in the past 6 months than I've ever had happen in my life. I'm not going to go into detail, but crazy things have happened in my family, and with my friends.
It's hard to share about being depressed, because it seems ridiculous. In my head, I hear someone saying... "get over it Jim, pull yourself up by the boot straps and do what you need to do. You live in Hawaii, don't tell me you're depressed." And there probably is some of that that I just need to push through. Unfortunately the very things that I need to be doing that will help are the very first things to get dropped when I'm feeling under the weather. The walks, the quiet times, the healthy eating. Strange how depression sabotages you like that.
Is there a stigma in Christianity that we're not suppose to struggle with depression? Or maybe because I'm in full time ministry I feel like I shouldn't struggle with it.
Engage: Do you struggle with depression? What do you do that helps you get through the hard days? Let us know in the comments.
