This is the saddest photo of me that I could find. This was part of my 365 project in 2008, after all my friends (one of them being Jess!) left Kona.
Since I've been posting about others being vulnerable, I guess I'll be vulnerable. I struggle with depression.
This past week depression has manifested itself like this. I'm not excited about anything, I don't look forward to anything. My alarm goes off in the morning, and instead of doing my normal routine, I turn my alarm off and don't care if I do any of those things or not, I don't see the point, I'd rather go back to sleep. I wait until the last minute to wake up. I can't focus in class in the morning, because I'm struggling to care. In the afternoon, I feel like the best use of my time is taking a nap, because what other important thing do I have to do? Then I force myself to do whatever I have to do in the evening all the while I can't wait to go to sleep for night. And I don't have an appetite. (I realize that there are many important things I could be doing, but when I'm depressed I don't feel like doing any of them because I don't feel at the time it's important)
My back is feeling better than it was. The pain flared up a few weeks ago but it's getting better. The muscles are still tight and its stiff when I go from sitting to standing. I've had mouth sores for a week now, the ones on my tongue are gone but the one on my lower lip is still hanging around, making talking painful and eating a nightmare. My vision feels dull, tunnel vision, like colors and life aren't vibrant. I'm an introvert naturally, but depression pulls me even further inside of my shell. And I'm grumpy.
I've never been "clinically diagnosed" I don't think I need a professional to tell me that I'm depressed, and I really don't care to go on some prescription drug for the rest of my life. I do understand there are chemical imbalances, but I think proper nutrition has a lot to do with that chemical imbalance.
The past two weeks I've been intentional about trying to eat a lot more nutrients. Eating clean; fruits and vegetables, not eating processed foods. I'm still taking my fish oil and my multi vitamin. I'm realizing more and more how I need to get control of my health. I'm conscious of my own health as we've been praying for people with cancer, and I see older people walking around with ailments, I want to get do everything I can do on my part to make sure I'm healthy. It's certainly not easy though.
I drank coffee this morning, hoping that it would help me push through the day, all it did was make me even more on edge and grumpy. Caffeine is a drug, I should quit.
This has been the most tragic season of my life. More bad things have happened in the past 6 months than I've ever had happen in my life. I'm not going to go into detail, but crazy things have happened in my family, and with my friends.
It's hard to share about being depressed, because it seems ridiculous. In my head, I hear someone saying... "get over it Jim, pull yourself up by the boot straps and do what you need to do. You live in Hawaii, don't tell me you're depressed." And there probably is some of that that I just need to push through. Unfortunately the very things that I need to be doing that will help are the very first things to get dropped when I'm feeling under the weather. The walks, the quiet times, the healthy eating. Strange how depression sabotages you like that.
Is there a stigma in Christianity that we're not suppose to struggle with depression? Or maybe because I'm in full time ministry I feel like I shouldn't struggle with it.
Engage: Do you struggle with depression? What do you do that helps you get through the hard days? Let us know in the comments.
No I've not had depression, but my very close friends have, but I suspect it helps to keep yourself accountable to the right kind of people who are encouragers but not "quick fixer types"
ReplyDeleteI still struggle sometimes. Like you, I dont want to go on meds. I have been eating better, which helps. Excercise too. I keep going back to the anxiety verses in the bible and as much as I dont want to hear it when I am depressed, I try my hardest to focus and cry out to God, laying it down with him at the cross. I realize too that this continued cycle of depression is sin and unbelief but I also believe sometimes these feelings are Gods way of saying, look, im right here, and i require you to gaze at me. Because I loved you first. Now feel my peace. Hang in there man, it gets better. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteJim, that's great that you chose to be so vulnerable with us in this blog. I wouldn't consider myself as one who struggles with depression, but I have felt some of the things you have described. And I find that normally once I talk to someone and get it all off my chest, the feeling starts to go away. Maybe because the person I'm having the conversation with points out all the good things (that I knew were there) and gives me encouragement, or because as I'm saying the things I'm feeling I realize that its all a lie, and one that doesn't even add up once I really think about it. Nothing is strong, and I believe that it is the Enemy's weapon. To push us towards doing nothing, to feeling nothing. So whenever I feel myself falling into the "nothing" mood, I try to do things that I enjoy, that stir emotion in me; even if its just listening to a song that I love. So all that to say, maybe I don't fully understand what you're going through; But I have my vices too, and we all have things that fight against them. You're not alone in this. And there is hope.
ReplyDeleteDepression is really not fun. I have been living with Depression ( Big D Depression as in, this has been a part of my life for years, not little d depression as in, "my pet died and I am feeling very sad) for years, I take daily medication for it, and I make sure I have a network of understanding and supportive friends who call me out when my ability to control my mood is slipping. I also have a counselor in a neighboring city that I can go to when I need to. All the things you talk about are important, Nutrition, exercise, Quality time with God,all of which are essential to survival. There is a stigma in most cultures about Depression. I don't care. I will cop to having Depression, and to having struggles, and to having to take meds and whatever else. If just ONE other Christian realizes that having screwed up brain chemistry is a result of the Fall of Man and not our own personal sin, it will be worth any sidelong glances and worried whispers about whether or not I am fit to Serve God in the capacity that I am serving Him. This is the "thorn in my side" This is the thing that I keep asking God to take from me. This is something that God uses in my life to show His strength in my weakness. I hate it. The long days of misery when I can't get out of bed, the apathy when it comes to my job or my Calling. or anything else. But, This is one of the things that God uses to keep me close to Him, and to be effective in His service. Not gonna tell you to embrace this gift. Bleah, talk like that makes me ill and angry. It isn't a gift. It is a curse from the pit of Hell that only God can work for good in my life and His kingdom. (Romans 8:28).
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, Jim.
You know my story and how I struggled with depression in Honolulu... but grabbing a friend and saying "Hey, I'm not okay" usually did wonders. Friends can listen, pray, encourage... and often that is enough to get you through that day. And as far as grief depression goes... that's a different issue. If there has been a traumatic experience in your life recently, then sometimes it's hard to care about other "trivial" things. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes you gotta get your energy up again to be able to climb out of the pit. Just rest and let others in to help as much as you can. It will get better. You won't have to make the effort to get out of bed for the rest of your life. For me, reading the Bible helped. But... not when I expected it to help... it wasn't really on my timing. But I must also say, if the depression ever goes to the point where you're just longing for heaven and thinking of specific ways to get there quickly, then I would say you really need to talk to someone. You're not weak. It takes a lot of strength to admit weakness... ironically. Miss you and Jess and if I were there I'd take you out for a coffee (or smoothie for you healthy ones) and try to say something stupid and funny to make you laugh.
ReplyDeleteHey, Jim. I do not struggle with depression but many in my family do. I know you said you don't want to go the medication route but sometimes that is the best thing. There are some very safe (few side effects) anti-depressants out there. We would all say that it would be silly for a diabetic to say "I'm not going to take insulin for the rest of my life." Sometime your body just does not make what you need and the best thing is to add what is missing.
ReplyDeleteYou also said that this has been a very tough year. What I immediately thought was that there is much at risk. Whenever God is preparing to do really great things Satan cranks up the chaos and the pain. Of all the things you can think of to do to make things better, draw closer to Christ. Sometimes that means just sitting in his lap and allowing him to sing over you and quiet you with his love.
Depression is a difficult thing for all of us to deal with. It is very misunderstood. More people deal with it than are willing to admit it. Those of us around a depressed person feel helpless; we don't know what to do and often what we do doesn't help.
Please know how much I love you and in opening yourself up to us and sharing what you are dealing with I trust that you will be surrounded by our prayers and God's love.
Depression sucks. The meds aren't fun but the right one can help. I understand not wanting to try them though. I suffer with depression and anxiety disorders. Every family in America is touched by this awful condition. You are not alone my friend.
ReplyDeleteNot by a long shot. Depression can strike can anyone anywhere even in Hawaii. Love and let yourself be loved. Jesus heals.
Love ya man!
Hey you, as your awsome sister I can tell u that I know how u feel!! I wish i was there to give u a big hug and tell u every thing will be ok. The last couple months have been rough and not having family around to share some of the grief really stinks, i am right there with u!! You just need to take one day at a time, think about what is important to u. Try to trust others around u to help u out, its ok to say ur having a bad day! I love u and am always here! Hurry home i need my brother ;)
ReplyDeleteJim,
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for sharing this. I definitely understand what you're saying here as I struggle with the same crap. (For the record, I tried to think of a better word to use other than 'crap').
It seems that it can be affected by circumstances (bad jobs, discouragement, loss, etc.), but sometimes it just happens without any good reason. And it sucks.
Not only that, but it sucks all alone. Thank God for spouses to confide in, but I even feel stupid or selfish at times for opening up to my husband. But I have to. I know how important it is to do that.
What helps the most for me is taking my eyes off myself. Thank God for all the blessings in our lives and pray for others around us. This really helps me more than food, exercise, booze :), etc.
Blessings to you, friend. Thanks again for sharing.
thanks for the input Thema. Glad you haven't had to struggled with depression :)
ReplyDeleteCory, your video today made me laugh out loud man, i should probably just watch that every day. What kind of exercise have you been doing? I need to get to the root of my depression and figure out what it's really about. Thanks for the prayers.
ReplyDeletethank you Ashley, music does help, I blasted some Relient K last night and it brought a smile to my face.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing Pat. It's great to hear your perspective, thanks for fighting the good fight. We should catch up more, I'd love to hear what you've been up to.
ReplyDeletethanks Jill, Jess and I were talking today and we haven't gotten off the base as much as we used to when you were here. I seriously don't think I've been to ala moana since the last time you almost pee'd your pants looking for a bathroom and then we had to get a ride home from walmart cause the bus wasn't running anymore HAHA.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, the whole medication issue is a huge issue, probably best not discussed in blog comments, but I'd love to share my thoughts via e-mail if you'd like. Or maybe I will blog about it someday… However what you said about just sitting in His lap and allowing him to sing over me and quiet me with His love is something that I was doing in the mornings, but then I hurt my back and stopped doing it. Thank you for your prayers and friendship.
ReplyDeletethanks santiago, it's healing to me that you've acknowledged that even depression can hit here in hawaii, sometimes I think I'm suppose to be living this dream life that I think everyone thinks I'm living because I'm in hawaii, miss you bro.
ReplyDeletewow gary, there is quite a bit to digest here, I've read your comment a couple of times, but probably need to read it a few more. thank you for commenting though and sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeletethanks jeannie, i miss you. I'd love a sister hug from you :)
ReplyDeletethanks for commenting Kat. crap is a good word, it seems fitting.
ReplyDeleteHey Bro,
ReplyDeleteYou hit a chord with me here man. I do struggle with depression and absolutely hate it!! I am very blessed though by your prayers and communication. I hope my prayers for you can help! Always know there are several out there who Love you including the most important, God our Father. God Bless and I pray He gets you through this funk that I know all to well, as you know. Love you Man!!
Andy
I'm hearing about a lot of Christians depressed. It is great that they can feel free to address it. I don't know that it has to be that way. I am not judging by any means. I fully respect and grieve for those who experience depression. It is something that needs to be given more attention. Based on my experience with depression and how God rooted it out and put in a new foundation, a lot of depression may be based on us inherently believing the lies of Satan that have been naturally and deeply rooted in our lives as we walked through the world before we had a chance to counter them. We don't even know they are there or how to counter them. We may lay a cloak of Christianity over these - but that doesn't seem to resolve or redeem them. Not only is it the lies that plague us, but Satan also deceives us by giving us faulty, distorted skills in dealing with the lies. Even if we recognize the lies, the means we have learned to deal with them may not work well. God would like to deal with them, but Christianity as we often practice it does not seem to go deep enough to restore the glorious creation God put there in the first place. We focus on ministering before we are filled to overflowing in many areas by His love deep within us. We go off sharing the good news without first letting the good news do its work fully in us. Satan knows if it forms deeply it will be a powerful force against him - so he will allow us to practice Christianity more so on the surface. This sadly does not allow the joy of the Lord to form solidly deep in our soul. We are implicitly encouraged to practice our Christianity too much on the surface with an emphasis on ministering, leaving the deep unaddressed personal issues in place. It is sad because we practice sometimes hollow sacrifices on the outside without first taking the time to let Christ in you, the hope of glory form on the inside. We do not give sufficient service to making the body healthy such that the joy of the Lord seeps down into the nooks and crannies of our lives, now empowering us in areas that previously under depression dragged us down. Letting the hope of glory form and the joy of the Lord become our strength may take longer to form in the persons life (and it may take us having to love them more - rather than prepare them for the "ministry"), but it becomes a powerful deep rooted testimony to His love and power - not just external words. It makes the whole person available to be used of the Lord, no longer letting the lies of the thief drag the person down into depression. It also creates deep intimacy with the Lord, transitioning our self- concept to be safely hidden with Christ in God such that it is not tossed to and fro by the whims of the world, causing depression. Been there, done that. As He transfers our feet to stand deeply and more firmly on the rock of Christ, as depression tries to approach, you can say, "I choose not to go there," because He has created a solid alternative. Unfortunately, in my 40+ years of experience as a Christian, I do not know that we care enough to form this type of foundation in people. We seem to care more about the ministry than we do about the person. This is sad. Jesus cared greatly about the person - because that was the ministry - redemption of the whole individual - set free to minister in His power. This may be controversial, but I've dealt with too many people who have been depressed or burned out on ministry over the years to not address it as a reality - as these numerous comments posted imply. We send out an anemic body when God wants the full glory to form and fulfill His work.
ReplyDeleteThe above is not a complete description to get one out of depression. It is a direction to explore that is often overlooked in our fervor for the gospel. We must let the "good news" form deeply in us to truly be His glorious ambassadors. It should not be taken casually, neglected or overlooked.
amen thanks andy!
ReplyDeletethanks gary for more of your thoughts! It's great to hear your perspective on things after walking with the Lord for as long as you have.
ReplyDelete